anaheim-gazette 1909-10-14

JOKES ON MONARCHS. Some Daring Pranks Played Upon Royal Personages. A FLOWER FOR THE KAISER. Decorations That Made His Majesty Explode With Wrath—A Medical Diploma For a Prince of Wales—The Duke and the Stockbrokers. Some years ago a paragraph appeared in a Berlin daily stating that Prince Henry, who had just returned from his visit to the United States, had brought home as a present to his brother a number of plants of a new variety of crimson carnation. "As every one knows," the paragraph concluded, "the red carnation is his imperial majesty's favorite flower." On the day after the publication of this news the kaiser was due at Aix-la-Chapelle. A member of the town council suggested that every one in the town wear a buttonhole of the kaiser's favorite flower. The suggestion was at once acted on. The frock coated members of the deputation which waited next morning on the platform each wore proudly a buttonhole of the deepest crimson. The poor fellows could not conceive why the kaiser's demeanor was so freezing. He dismissed them with a few words, got into his carriage and drove off. At the town hall was another deputation, similarly decorated. Then his majesty's wrath exploded. "What is the meaning of this insult?" he demanded. Some one explained, and then one of the kaiser's attendants took the mayor aside. "My dear sir," he said, "surely you know that the red Jet. In his "Mirror of Stones" Camillus Leonardus calls jet "black amber" and states that it possesses the peculiar property of attracting to it when rubbed light substances of all kinds. He also tells us that the thin smoke produced by this friction of rubbing was used by the ancient Britains for driving away devils and dissolving spells. "Jet," says Dr. Young, "appears to be wood in a high state of bituminization." And certainly jet often appears with traces of ligneous structure. At the same time there are specimens of bones which seemingly have been gradually impregnated with and at last wholly replaced by this substance. Among the jet rock there is found a liquid hydrocarbon somewhat resembling petroleum oil, which occurs in the cavities of ammonites, etc., and is also sometimes found in nodules, the presence of which is generally supposed to point to a rich vein of jet. From these and other observations it would appear that jet existed as a liquid substance and that this substance gradually permeated between the laminations of the abales, etc., covering over or in some cases entirely replacing any woody matter which it met with.—New York Post. Snuff Spoons. All the world is familiar with snuff boxes, but snuff spoons are pretty little refinements of which this generation has hardly heard. Very probably they came into use about two years after Sir George Rooke's expedition to Vigo bay in 1702, when he captured half a ton of tobacco and snuff from the Spanish galleons, and snuff thus became a common article in England. One of the characters in a comedy published at Oxford in 1704, entitled "An Act at Oxford," by Thomas Baker, says, "But I carry sweet snuff for the ladies," to which Arabella replies: "A spoon too. That's very gallant, for to see some people run their A To In a certain New manufacture a towel, most effusive poses. How that to be made in proved so profitable the subject of an savors strongly "too good to be dotes and is as f Once the machinery, busily engraved very conventionally went wrong cally to go back much excitement, chinery was chasied again. But—It was disliked turned out due mechanical anarchy quite unrivaled for els. At once the going backward travelling in that to the great delights in the towel co- Times. When Linen The whiteness of linen, as of wri mainly to the factions at the surface wasted in these it can reach to an linen is a network not in optical coat the light by re Now, if the inter are filled by a boo tive index as the reflexion of the and the linen is parent. Water o when wet is dark lucent, just as is for tracings by neers. The same nary glass and peated reflections it for long trans- The poor fellows could not conceive why the kaiser's demeanor was so freezing. He dismissed them with a few words, got into his carriage and drove off. At the town hall was another deputation, similarly decorated. Then his majesty's wrath exploded. "What is the meaning of this insult?" he demanded. Some one explained, and then one of the kaiser's attendants took the mayor aside. "My dear sir," he said, "surely you know that the red carnation is the emblem of the Social Democrats and of all flowers the one which his majesty chiefly detests!" Many years ago King Edward VII., then Prince of Wales, was the subject of a stupid hoax. He received a letter informing him of his unanimous election as honorary member of the Princeton medical faculty and signed by three students. With his invariable courtesy the recipient requested his private secretary to acknowledge it. The reply said, "His royal highness will remember with pride and satisfaction the mark of distinction received at the hands of the Princeton medical faculty." As a matter of fact, there is not and never was such an organization. As impudent a hoax as ever was heard of was perpetrated in 1904 upon a Belgian paper. A letter purporting to be in the handwriting and above the signature of Princess Louise of Coburg was received by the editor, who very foolishly published it without first assuring himself as to its genuineness. This letter gave a long catalogue of the wrongs of Princess Louise and of her sisters and constituted a most brutal attack upon her father, the king of the Belgians. The letter was at once copied by a number of other papers, including more than one in England. Naturally it gave great pain to the princess herself, and the only wonder is that a prosecution for libel was not the immediate result. Some years ago a young American woman who was staying in Copenhagen made a bet with a friend that she would propose to the king of Denmark. On one of the king's public reception days the American lady found her way to the royal residence. "What can I do for you, madam?" asked the king. "Your majesty, I desired to ask you if you would like to marry me?" was the reply. The king merely smiled. "I am afraid I am a little too old," he said, and at the same moment he beckoned to one of the officials to conduct the lady to the door. He had put her down as a harmless lunatic. A joke of rather a rough order was buttonhole of the deepest crimson. The poor fellows could not conceive why the kaiser's demeanor was so freezing. He dismissed them with a few words, got into his carriage and drove off. At the town hall was another deputation, similarly decorated. Then his majesty's wrath exploded. "What is the meaning of this insult?" he demanded. Some one explained, and then one of the kaiser's attendants took the mayor aside. "My dear sir," he said, "surely you know that the red carnation is the emblem of the Social Democrats and of all flowers the one which his majesty chiefly detests!" Many years ago King Edward VII., then Prince of Wales, was the subject of a stupid hoax. He received a letter informing him of his unanimous election as honorary member of the Princeton medical faculty and signed by three students. With his invariable courtesy the recipient requested his private secretary to acknowledge it. The reply said, "His royal highness will remember with pride and satisfaction the mark of distinction received at the hands of the Princeton medical faculty." As a matter of fact, there is not and never was such an organization. As impudent a hoax as ever was heard of was perpetrated in 1904 upon a Belgian paper. A letter purporting to be in the handwriting and above the signature of Princess Louise of Coburg was received by the editor, who very foolishly published it without first assuring himself as to its genuineness. This letter gave a long catalogue of the wrongs of Princess Louise and of her sisters and constituted a most brutal attack upon her father, the king of the Belgians. The letter was at once copied by a number of other papers, including more than one in England. Naturally it gave great pain to the princess herself, and the only wonder is that a prosecution for libel was not the immediate result. Some years ago a young American woman who was staying in Copenhagen made a bet with a friend that she would propose to the king of Denmark. On one of the king's public reception days the American lady found her way to the royal residence. "What can I do for you, madam?" asked the king. "Your majesty, I desired to ask you if you would like to marry me?" was the reply. The king merely smiled. "I am afraid I am a little too old," he said, and at the same moment he beckoned to one of the officials to conduct the lady to the door. He had put her down as a harmless lunatic. A joke of rather a rough order was buttonhole of the deepest crimson. The poor fellows could not conceive why the kaiser's demeanor was so freezing. He dismissed them with a few words, got into his carriage and drove off. At the town hall was another deputation, similarly decorated. Then his majesty's wrath exploded. "What is the meaning of this insult?" he demanded. Some one explained, and then one of the kaiser's attendants took the mayor aside. "My dear sir," he said, "surely you know that the red carnation is the emblem of the Social Democrats and of all flowers the one which his majesty chiefly detests!" Many years ago King Edward VII., then Prince of Wales, was the subject of a stupid hoax. He received a letter informing him of his unanimous election as honorary member of the Princeton medical faculty and signed by three students. With his invariable courtesy the recipient requested his private secretary to acknowledge it. The reply said, "His royal highness will remember with pride and satisfaction the mark of distinction received at the hands of the Princeton medical faculty." As a matter of fact, there is not and never was such an organization. As impudent a hoax as ever was heard of was perpetrated in 1904 upon a Belgian paper. A letter purporting to be in the handwriting and above the signature of Princess Louise of Coburg was received by the editor, who very foolishly published it without first assuring himself as to its genuineness. This letter gave a long catalogue of the wrongs of Princess Louise and of her sisters and constituted a most brutal attack upon her father, the king of the Belgians. The letter was at once copied by a number of other papers, including more than one in England. Naturally it gave great pain to the princess herself, and the only wonder is that a prosecution for libel was not the immediate result. Some years ago a young American woman who was staying in Copenhagen made a bet with a friend that she would propose to the king of Denmark. On one of the king's public reception days the American lady found her way to the royal residence. "What can I do for you, madam?" asked the king. "Your majesty, I desired to ask you if you would like to marry me?" was the reply. The king merely smiled. "I am afraid I am a little too old," he said, and at the same moment he beckoned to one of the officials to conduct the lady to the door. He had put her down as a harmless lunatic. A joke of rather a rough order was buttonhole of the deepest crimson. The poor fellows could not conceive why the kaiser's demeanor was so freezing. He dismissed them with a few words, got into his carriage and drove off. At the town hall was another deputation, similarly decorated. Then his majesty's wrath exploded. "What is the meaning of this insult?" he demanded. Some one explained, and then one of the kaiser's attendants took the mayor aside. "My dear sir," he said, "surely you know that the red carnation is the emblem of the Social Democrats and of all flowers the one which his majesty chiefly detests!" Many years ago King Edward VII., then Prince of Wales, was the subject of a stupid hoax. He received a letter informing him of his unanimous election as honorary member of the Princeton medical faculty and signed by three students. With his invariable courtesy the recipient requested his private secretary to acknowledge it. The reply said, "His royal highness will remember with pride and satisfaction the mark of distinction received at the hands of the Princeton medical faculty." As a matter of fact, there is not and never was such an organization. As impudent a hoax as ever was heard of was perpetrated in 1904 upon a Belgian paper. A letter purporting to be in the handwriting and above the signature of Princess Louise of Coburg was received by the editor, who very foolishly published it without first assuring himself as to its genuineness. This letter gave a long catalogue of the wrongs of Princess Louise and of her sisters and constituted a most brutal attack upon her father, the king of the Belgians. The letter was at once copied by a number of other papers, including more than one in England. Naturally it gave great pain to the princess herself, and the only wonder is that a prosecution for libel was not the immediate result. Some years ago a young American woman who was staying in Copenhagen made a bet with a friend that she would propose to the king of Denmark. On one of the king's public reception days the American lady found her way to the royal residence. "What can I do for you, madam?" asked the king. "Your majesty, I desired to ask you if you would like to marry me?" was the reply. The king merely smiled. "I am afraid I am a little too old," he said, and at the same moment he beckoned to one of the officials to conduct the lady to the door. He had put her down as a harmless lunatic. A joke of rather a rough order was buttonhole of the deepest crimson. The poor fellows could not conceive whythe kaiser's demeanor was so freezing. He dismissed them with a few words, got into their carriage and drove off. At the town hall was another deputation, similarly decorated. Then his majesty's wrath exploded. "What is the meaning of this insult?" he demanded. Some one explained, and then one ofthe kaiser's attendants took their mayor mouths. As late as 1877 a farmer at Norham-on-Tweed was seen using one.-London Saturday Review. A Tramp of Resource. Much experience of thirsty tramps had causedthe authorof "An English Holiday,"J.J.Hissey,toreknow almost exactly what they would sayto him. One day, when sendinghis motorcar slowly alonga shadyEnglish road,hes metoneofthis guild,whoaccostedhimwiththepreliminarytouchofhiscap.Mr.Hisseyanticipatedhimbyexclaiming: "Ibe mortal thirsty! Haveyou,goodsir,thepriceofa glassof aleaboutyou?I'vedrivennearlyfiftymilestoday,andsincethemorningnotabiteoffoodhaspassedmy lips." The lookof astonishmentthattrumpgavemewasadelighttoobserve.Butthistrumpwouldmanofreadyresource,and,seeingIwasa hopelesscase,hererosetotheoccasionandpromptlyexclaimed,vwithwhatdigityhecouldcommandandwithacomicallyseriousexpression: "Iftherewereapolicemanin sightIwouldgiveyouinchargeforbegging,thatIwould!" Between Two Fires. Shewasdesperatelygone ontheboth,andshecouldn'tthinkwhichonetochoose.itwasratherperplexing,nodoubt,forshewboundtorefuse. Shegazedatthembothindespair,quitepuzzledtoknowwhat todo.Asoonashesthoughtaboutshecaresidedforotheronetoo. Theystillremainedunderhergaze,Littlerecklingthetroubletheybrought.Iitreallywashardtodecide.Theywerebothsodelightful,shethought. Shecouldn'tsaywhichoneshe'dhave;hereffortsfellhopelesslyflat. It'sreallyexceedinglyhardselectinganewautumnhat. He Told Her. On one of the king's public receptions days the American lady found her way to the royal residence. "What can I do for you, madam?" asked the king. "Your majesty, I desired to ask you if you would like to marry me?" was the reply. The king merely smiled. "I am afraid I am a little too old," he said, and at the same moment he beckoned to one of the officials to conduct the lady to the door. He had put her down as a harmless lunatic. A joke of rather a rough order was played upon the first cousin of the emperor of Austria, the Archduke Salvator, once when he was in Paris. He was passing the bourse—the Parisian equivalent of the Stock Exchange—when his companion, a lanky young French count, suggested that he might look inside. "If you walk straight in," he said, "no one will notice you. They will take you for a stockbroker." The duke took him at his word, but of course he was no sooner inside than he was recognized as a sightseer. His silk hat was instantly spirited away, and he was at once surrounded by a mob of dealers with notebooks shouting fabulous offers to buy or sell stock. The duke had a desperate struggle to reach the front lobby, and when at last he got there, hatless and breathless, he found that some genial soul had pinned a long price list to the tails of his coat. It is not likely that any reigning sovereign ever got a more unpleasant scare than did Ferdinand of Bulgaria some five years ago. His private secretary, a young baron, was away in Austria on a vacation when a letter arrived for his royal master announcing that he did not propose to return and that he would be glad for the sum of £40,000; otherwise, he wrote, he would be compelled to sell a number of secret documents which he had taken away with him. Instantly Prince Ferdinand dispatched a couple of secret service envoys in chase of his missing secretary, whom they ran to ground peacefully shooting on his own estate. Further investigation proved the missive to be nothing but a hoax.—London Answers. She gazed at them both in despair, quite puzzled to know what to do. As soon as she thought about one she cared for the other one too. They still remained under her gaze, little rocking the trouble they brought. It really was hard to decide. They were both so delightful, she thought. She couldn't say which one she'd have; her efforts fell hopelessly flat. It's really exceedingly hard selecting a new autumn hat. He Told Her. Housekeeper—You promised that if I'd give you a good meal and a suit of old clothes you'd tell me how to keep the premises free from tramps. 'Tramp—Yes, mum, an' I'm a man of me word, mum, an' I'll keep me promise, although that meal wasn't no great shakes an' this suit of clothes ain't much of a fit. But I'll tell ye. "Well, what course am I to pursue?" "Never give 'em anything, mum. Good day, mum." Good and Simple. Let it not be in any man's power to say truly of thee that thou art not simple or that thou art not good, but let him be a liar whoever shall think anything of this kind about thee, and this is altogether in thy power, for who is he that shall hinder thee from being good and simple?—Marcus Antonius. How He Raised It. "How on earth did you ever cultivate such a beautiful black eye?" asked Brown's friend. "Oh," replied Brown, who had unintentionally been illustrating the fall of man on roller skates, "I raised it from a slip."—Everybody's Magazine. Shows No Improvement. "I don't see that her college education has improved her much." No? "No. She helps her mother with the housework just as if she hadn't been educated."—Detroit Free Press. An Apt Simile. Some men have a career like a golf ball. They are helped out of one hole only to get into another.—Lippincott's. ANAHEIM GAZETTE A Towel Story. In a certain New England town they manufacture a well known kind of towel, most efficient for drying purposes. How that towel first happened to be made in the form which has proved so profitable to its makers is the subject of an amusing legend. It savors strongly of belonging to the "too good to be true" genus of anecdotes and is as follows: Once the machinery in the towel factory, busily engaged in turning out a very conventional brand of towel, suddenly went wrong and began practically to go backward. There was much excitement. Eventually the machinery was chastised and set to rights again. But—it was discovered that the towels turned out during that interval of mechanical anarchy were of a texture quite unrivaled for use as bath towels. At once the machinery was set going backward again and has been travelling in that direction ever since, to the great delight of the stockholders in the towel company. — New York Times. When Linen Is Translucent. The whiteness and opacity of dry linen, as of writing paper, are due mainly to the fact of repeated reflections at the surface, so that the light is wasted in these reverberations before it can reach to any depth. The body of linen is a network of transparent fibers not in optical contact, which intercept the light by repeatedly reflexing it. Now, if the interstices of these fibers are filled by a body of the same refractive index as the fibers themselves the reflexion of the surface is destroyed and the linen is rendered more transparent. Water does this; hence linen when wet is darker, but more translucent, just as is the oiled paper used for tracings by architects and engineers. The same holds good with ordinary glass and ground glass, the repeated reflections of the latter making it far less transparent. To a similar Dickens and Diet. Dickens is the novelist of the meal. No other writer, pile he up never such lists of delicacies fit for Lucullus, has the gusto in describing humble feasts which gives the very reader an appetite. Thackeray, for all his "Ballad of Bouillabaisse," never touched the hem of his garments in the recording of meals. Who that has read them can ever forget, for instance, Mrs. Gamp's directions to the chambermaid for her nocturnal reflection, or the tea which awaited Joe Willett and Dolly on their return to the locksmith's dwelling on the occasion of Miss Migg's final rout, or the unassuming meals recorded in "David Copperfield," or the more pretentious feasts in "Pickwick," not forgetting the leg o' mutton "swarry" to which Mr. Weller was invited by the elite of Bath footmen? And has not every reader of "Martin Chuzzlewit" allowed a tender smile to curl his lips over the evolution of that incomparable pudding in the preparation and consumption of which such damage was done to John Westlock's affections? So go and read—and acquire your appetite.—London Chronicle. Above and Below Proof. Before the means of determining the true quantity of alcohol in spirits were known dealers employed a very rude method to form a notion of the "strength." A given quantity of the spirit was poured upon gunpowder in a dish and set on fire. If the gunpowder continued dry enough it took fire and exploded, but if it had been dampened by the water in the spirits the flame of the alcohol went out without setting the powder on fire. This was called the "proof." Spirits which kindled gunpowder were said to be "above proof," those that did not set fire to it were said to be "below proof," but this did not fix the strength. Clark in his hydrometer, which was invented about the year 1730, fixed the strength of proof spirits on the stem. At the speeches and diet. BRICK AND TILE INDUSTRY OUTPUT EXCEEDED $100,000,000 DURING LAST YEAR Every State and Territory Contributed to Total—Ohio Leads, Pennsylvania Second, Illinois Third—Brick Most Valuable of Clay Products [Contributed to The Gazette.] The report of the United States geological survey on the clay-working industries in 1908, just issued, shows that the total value of the brick and tile products, which include brick of all kinds, sewer pipe, architectural terra cotta, fire-proofing, hollow building tile or blocks, stove lining, and all kinds of tile, was $108,062,207, a decrease of a little over 16 per cent from the value for 1907. Every state and territory contributed to the 1908 total. Ohio was the leader, reporting products valued at $15,915,703, or 14.73 per cent of the whole. Pennsylvania, which has heretofore been the leading producer of these wares, was second in 1908, reporting products valued at $13,566,479, or 12.55 per cent of the total. Illinois was the third state in value of products, reporting $10,752,160 worth of brick and tile products, or 9.95 per cent of the whole. No other state reported brick and tile wares valued at as much as $10,000,000, New York being fourth with $7,270,981. Common brick is the most valuable of all products of clay, those for 1908 being valued at $44,765,614, or 41.43 per cent of all brick and tile products. In 1907 the common brick product of the country was valued at $58,785,461 so that the decrease in An Entertaining Catbird. Nothing escapes the eye of our pet catbird, for he is curiosity personified. He wants to know the why and wherefore of everything that is a little strange and does not rest until he has found out. When let out in a room he will carefully examine every nook and corner. He is an inveterate joker and delights to play jokes on his fellow prisoners, while his sense of humor is almost human at times. The pincushion is a constant wonder and delight to him. He files to it as soon as let out of his cage and either pulls the pins all out or drives them into the cushion as far as possible. If he pulls them out, he hops to the edge of the table and drops them on the floor, flirting his tail and uttering a note of great satisfaction when they strike the floor.—Suburban Life. How He Felt. He was an Englishman of the ultra sort and recently arrived, but he was striving strenuously to catch up with American idioms and New York slang. He had made some progress. He loomed up in the breakfast room of his hotel the other morning after a too convivial evening and encountered one of his companions. "How do you feel, old chap?" asked the latter. "Feel?" repeated the Englishman. "Feel? Oh, yes, I see what you mean, old fellow. Well, really, don't you know, I feel like one and six." "Like what?" "Like one and six, as you chaps say here. No! Hold on, there! I mean 30 cents, you know; feel like 30 cents. Yes."—New York Globe. Convenient. "Providence," said the deacon, "sho' do look after de culldur race." "How come?" demanded Brother Dickey. "Well, hit's disaway: De nigger baby, ex dey say, walk too soon." "Sho do!" assented Brother Dickey. "Dat makes him bowlegged." "Now you talkin'!" Case of Too Much Ham. One morning not long ago there tripped up to a butcher stall in a Baltimore market a dainty little thing out for her first marketing. "My husband bought a couple of nice hams from you not long ago," she announced. "Yes'm," said the smiling butcher; "I remember well. Fine hams, weren't they?" "They were delicious," said the young wife. "Have you any more like them?" "Lots," responded the butcher, indicating a row of hams in the rear of the stall. The young thing surveyed the hams thoughtfully. "Are you sure," she finally asked, "that they're from the same pig as that from which my husband bought?" "Yes'm," answered the butcher without so much as a quiver of an eyelid. "Then you may send me three more of them," she said.—Pittsburg Post. The Caspian Sea. The Caspian sea is, as Herodotus said 2,000 years ago, "a sea by itself, having no connection with any other." Every schoolboy knows that now, but it is remarkable to find Herodotus saying so, because centuries after his time such authorities as Strabo and Pliny believed that it was connected with the northern ocean by a long and narrow gulf. Geography seems to have had a setback in the interval through false information received at the time of Alexander's conquests. Herodotus says that the Caspian's length was fifteen days' voyage with a rowboat, its breadth eight days'. Since the actual figures are 750 miles and 400, this shows that a rowboat of the time did fifty miles a day.—London Graphic. Shank's Mare. "I haven't got a limousine or any porting $10,752,160 worth of brick and tile products, or 9.95 per cent of the whole. No other state reported brick and tile wares valued at as much as $10,000,000, New York being fourth with $7,270,981. Common brick is the most valuable of all products of clay, those for 1908 being valued at $44,765,614, or 41.43 per cent of all brick and tile products. In 1907 the common brick product of the country was valued at $58,785,461, so that the decrease in value was nearly 24 per cent. The number of common brick reported was 7,811,046,000, compared with 9,795,698,000 in 1907, a loss of 20.26 per cent. The average price per thousand at the kiln decreased from $6 in 1907 to $5.73 in 1908. Illinois is the largest producer of common brick, reporting 1,119,224,000. These砖 were valued at $4.32 per thousand. New York, while second in production, was first in value of product. The most striking features of the report are the decrease in every variety of product except two, vitrified paving brick and drain tile. Vitrified paving brick showed a gain of 101,877,000 in quantity and $1,003,193 in value, an increase of 11.63 and 10.39 per cent respectively. The average value for this variety of brick was $10.90 per thousand in 1908 and $11.02 in 1907. Ohio is the leading producer of this variety of brick. HAVE A DIAMOND They Are Finding Them in Our Own Country New York, Oct. 11.—The official report of Douglas Sterritt to the United States geological survey, which has just been made public and which declares that more diamonds were found in this country than ever before, has created much surprise in Malden Lane. Mr. Sterritt finds that the diamonds in Arkansas are of as fine quality as those from the African fields. Conditions in the Arkansas fields are more promising than ever before. At one point 540 diamonds were found—of which 505 weighed 217 karats. Three stones which were cut proved to be worth from $60 to $175 a karat. The other states in which prospecting is now being conducted are California and Kentucky and small diamonds are said to have been found in both. Convenient. "Providence," said the deacon, "sho' do look after de cullud race." "How come?" demanded Brother Dickey. "Well, hit's disaway: De nigger baby, ez dey say, walk too soon." "Sho do!" assented Brother Dickey. "Dat makes him bowlegged." "Now you talkin'!" "An' bowlegs is de mos' convenientest legs in de worl' fer climbln' a tree w'en a possum's on de top limb!"—Exchange. A Brief Introduction. Mark Twain said the only introduction to a literary audience that seemed to him the right word in the right place, a real inspiration, was as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen, I shall not waste any unnecessary time in the introduction. I don't know anything about this man—at least I only know two things about him. One is that he has never been in prison, and the other is I can't see why he hasn't." An Illustration. "Now, Harold." said the teacher to a small but unusually bright pupil, "give an illustration of the superiority of mind over matter." After a moment's reflection Harold replied: "I have to mind you. That's what is the matter."—Chicago News. Alice Alias Alys. Mr. Squiggs—What's the little Nurox girl's name? I couldn't catch it when her mother introduced us. Mrs. Squiggs—Plain Alice, only her mother's trying to pronounce it so you'll spell it "Alys."—Philadelphia Bulletin. Both on the Line. "The artist over the way was boasting to me that his work is now being hung on the line." "Humph! So is his wife's."—Baltimore American. Revenge is the abject pleasure of an abject mind.—Juvenal. Narrow gulf. Geography seems to have had a setback in the interval through false information received at the time of Alexander's conquests. Herodotus says that the Casplan's length was fifteen days' voyage with a rowboat, its breadth eight days'. Since the actual figures are 750 miles and 400, this shows that a rowboat of the time did fifty miles a day.—London Graphic. Shank's Mare. "I haven't got a limousine or any aeroplane; I haven't got a coach an' six, not e'en a special train; I haven't got a bicycle nor yet a boss an' team. I git along all right, by jinks, 'thout gaserline or steam. I travel jest by shank's mare an' never hev no fear but what I'll reach my stoppin' place the same day in the year. No artificial rigs for me, no busted tires or bones, no landin' all up in a heap upon the highway stones. I may be slow a-gettin' round an' cause the world to stare, but I will git there by an' by all right side up with care."—Boston Herald. Not Guilty! The unable seaman referred to by the American Thrasherman probably thought he was being accused of "mussing up the bedclothes." Enthusiastic Amateur Sallor—Let go that jib sheet! Unenthusiastic Landlubber (who has been decoyed into acting as crew)—I'm not touching the thing! Most Tactless of Men. "Clarence unintentionally offended the aspiring young poetess." "In what way?" He sent her a gayly decorated wastebasket as a birthday present."—Philadelphia Record. A High One. Friend—Does the baron, your son-in-law, speak with much of an accent? Richpurse—He did when he discovered how I had fixed his wife's dower.—Puck. He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own.—Confucius. Conditions in the Arkansas fields are more promising than ever before. At one point 540 diamonds were found—of which 505 weighed 217 karats. Three stones which were cut proved to be worth from $60 to $175 a karat. The other states in which prospecting is now being conducted are California and Kentucky and small diamonds are said to have been found in both. BY THE SPORTING EDITOR During a recent illness of the society reporter for the S——Tribune, an important wedding occurred. No experienced substitute could be secured in time to handle the assignment, the only available man on the staff being the sporting editor—who invariably has plenty of leisure. In desperation—for the affair demanded attention—the city editor put him on the job. The following copy was turned in: "A pretty wedding was pulled off at the home of Mrs. Dudley Percival Jones this morning, when Violet Jones became the wife of Hardy Rocks, the well-known amateur lightweight, and cashier of the First National Bank of this city. "The groom entered the ring first, followed shortly by the bride, who took her corner to the strains of the Lohengrin wedding march. "Mr. Rocks was seconded by Geo. Buckem, the famous halfback; Tom Furlong, owner of the trotting stud Giddeap, and Phil Driver, runner-up in the last western golf championship. "Miss Zaidee Van Blowem waved the towel for the bride, assisted by the Misses Helen Bach and Susie Mae Ketchum. "The match was refereed by the Rev. Oley Moses, D.D., and was conducted under straight Episcopallan rules. "Only a few invited fans and the THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14 O. LAGMAN BUILDER and Graduated Architect Consult me if you are going to build. I will submit Plans and Specifications free of cost, and save you money. LUMBER, CEMENT, BRICK ARDEN PLASTER MILL WORK Beveled Well Curbing C. GANAHL LUMBER COMPANY CHAS. F. GRIM. Manager FATAL CUPIDITY. A Tragic Case of Treasure Hunting In Egypt. A certain Egyptian native discovered the entrance of a tomb in the floor of his stable and at once proceeded to worm his way down the tunnel. This was the end of the man. His wife, finding that he had not returned two hours or so later, went down the newly found tunnel after him. That was the end of her also. In turn three other members of the family went down into the darkness, and that was the end of them. A native official was then called, and lighting his way with a candle, penetrated down the winding passage. The air was so foul that he was soon obliged to retreat, but he stated that he was just able to see in the distance ahead the bodies of the unfortunate peasants, all of whom had been overcome by what he quaintly described as "the evil lighting and bad climate." Various attempts at the rescue of the bodies having failed, we gave orders that this tomb should be regarded as their sepulcher and that its mouth should be sealed up. According to the natives there was evidently a vast board of wealth stored at the bottom of this tomb, and the would be robbers had met their death at the hands of the demon in charge of it, who had seized each man by the throat as he came down the tunnel and had strangled him.—A. E. P. Weigall in Putnam's. A Growing Love. Mr. and Mrs. Married Bliss were both growing very plump, and every effort to reduce weight had proved fruitless, and their discontent with A Growing Love. Mr. and Mrs. Married Bliss were both growing very plump, and every effort to reduce weight had proved fruitless, and their discontent with their failure was pathetic. "It is too bad," said a mutual friend to a sympathetic physician. "The Blisses are so fond of each other and used to be so graceful and slender when they were first married." "Ah, well!" replied the physician. "Think how much more they are to each other now."—Life. W. Harold Wickett, M.D. Res. Phones: Main 8X3, Home 863. Herbert A. Johnston, M.D. Res. Phones: Main 82, Home 862. Drs. Johnston & Wickett Office Hours: 11-12, 2-4, 7-8. Office Phones: Main 81, Home 861. Offices: 310 S. Los Angeles Street. Residence Phone Main 42 DR. JOHN H. BOEGE DENTIST Office, Mullinix Building HOURS: 8:30 to 11:30 a.m. 1:30 to 5:00 p.m. By Appointment DR. W. W. ADAMS OSTEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN Graduate of American School of Osteopathy of Kirkaville, Mo. Office and Residence: 116 Philadelphia St. Office Hours: 10 to 12; 1 to 4. Phones: Main 463; Home 1134 J. L. BEEBE, M.D PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON. Office and res. cor. Center and Palm Sts Office hours: 2 to 4, 7 to 8 p.m. Both Phones. ANAHEIM, CAL. VICTOR MONTGOMERY ATTORNEY-AT-LAW Attention given to Probate Business Commercial Bank Building. Santa Ana Cal. Tel, Black 791 au23-6m RICHARD MELROSE ATTORNEY-AT-LAW and NOTARY PUBLIC Office Center St Special attention given to Probate Matters ANAHEIM. H. V. WEISEL Get Our Prices JAMES W. HELLMAN Hardware, Stoves, Etc. 157-161 N. Spring St. LOS ANGELES Peerless Saloon JOHN CASSOU, Prop. Fine Wines, Liquors and Cigars Anaheim Beer on draft, Bottle Beer and Case Goods 106 N. Los Angeles St. ANAHEIM, CAL. Commercial Hotel FIRST-CLASS DINING ROOM AND BAR Handsomely Furnished Rooms Everything neat and clean A home for the Traveling Public A trial will convince. JOHN ZIEGLER, Manager The Best Cuts of MEAT Can be had here any time. We don't reserve them for a favored few and compel the others to take what is left. First come is first served in this market. We believe in giving everybody a square deal. Also in selling the very best meat we can get hold of at the prices possible. Try us with an order. CITY MARKET F. W. FLEISCHMANN, Prop. Odd Fellow's Bldg., Center street Sunset Phone 201 THESELOWWRATES will help your friends to IN the Arkansas fields nising than ever before. 540 diamonds were found weighed 217 karats. were cut proved from $60 to $175 a karat. states in which prospecting conducted are Callentucky and small diald to have been found SPORTING EDITOR Recent illness of the sofor the S—Tribune, wedding occurred. No substitute could be see to handle the assignity available man on the sporting editor—who is plenty of leisure. In for the affair demanded the city editor put him on the following copy was wedding was pulled off of Mrs. Dudley Percival morning, when Violet Jonne wife of Hardy Rocks, own amateur lightweight, of the First National city. entered the ring first, tly by the bride, who mer to the strains of wedding march. was seconded by Geo. famous halfback; Tom mer of the trotting stud Phil Driver, runner-up western golf champion- Van Blowem waved the bride, assisted by Helen Bach and Susie was refereed by the ses, D.D., and was constraight Episcopallian invited fans and the ATTORNEY-AT-LAW Attention given to Probate Business Commercial Bank Building. Santa Ana Cal Tel, Black 791 au23-6m RICHARD MELROSE ATTORNEY-AT-LAW and NOTARY PUBLIC Office Center 8t Special attention given to Probate Matters ANAHEIM. CAL. H. V. WEISEL Attorney and Counselor at Law German Language 2d Floor Mullinix Bldg., Anaheim, Cal F. C. SPENCER ATTORNEY-AT-LAW Notary Public Odd Fellows' Block, Center Street Anaheim, Cal. CATARRH ELY'S CREAM BALM FOR COLD IN CATARRH HEAD HAY-FEVER HEADACHE TRADE MARK ELY.BROS. NEW YORK ELY'S CREAM BALM Sure to Give Satisfaction. GIVES RELIEF AT ONCE. It cleanses, soothes, heals and protects the diseased membrane resulting from Catarrh and drives away a Cold in the Head quickly. Restores the Senses of Taste and Smell. Easy to use. Contains no injurious drugs Applied into the nostrils and absorbed. Large Size, 50 cents at Druggists or by mail. Liquid Cream Balm for use in atomizers, 75 cents. ELY BROTHERS, 5G Warren St., New York. THESE LOWRATES will help your friends to A Home in California In Effect Daily Sept. 15 to Oct. 15, 1909, inclusive via Southern Pacific Lines TO CALIFORNIA From— Omaha.....$25.00 Kansas City.....$25.00 Denver.....$25.00 Houston.....$25.00 St. Louis.....$32.00 New Orleans.....$32.00 Pittsburg.....$42.00 Memphis.....$32.00 St. Paul.....$31.75 Minneapolis.....$31.75 Chicago.....$33.00 New York.....$51.00 Deposit money with any agent, Southern Pacific, and ticket will be delivered to your friends in the East without cost or trouble to you. Full particulars from J. M. PICKERING, Agent Phones—Sunset 133 Home 1724 F. BACKS Undertaker Dealer in Furniture, Wall Paper Cornices, Window Shades, Picture Frames Upholstery Goods, Palnts, Oils, and Glass Sewing Machine Supplies Corner Los Angeles and Chartres S