oc-plain-dealer 1922-02-17

Elks’ Show Message Main Office of the Gazoot next door to jail; three flights up; swing your partners to the left. EDITORIAL STAFF Chief Editor and Undertaker.....Slemann of 1st Nat'l Bank Assassinated Editor and Gunman...Fred Backs, M.D.A.P.A.D.A.M.B.P.O.E. Dramatic Critic.....E. E. Smith Chicken Editors.....Chas. Goff and Alex Gibson Circulation Liar.....Duke Osborn Money and Matrimony.....J. L. Swope Water Wagon Editor.....Governor Loudon Bluff, Pinochle, Rummy and Other Sunday School Games...Arthur Cohen Office Boy.....Malcolm Fraser Royal Physician to Editor.....Dr. Brastad EDITORIALS Published this Morning and the Editor Hopes no Other Morning Send all mail matter thru the United States postoffice. When subscribing, always tell your name and where you wish your paper sent. Stamps, garden truck, diamonds, $20 gold pieces and radium taken in exchange for subscriptions and advertising. Our newspaper exchange is limited to the following Sunday School papers: Police Gazette, Peruna News, Lydia Pinkham’s Advice to Young Men. No ads for intoxicating liquors will be run in this paper—unless the editor is thirsty. This paper is published every day in the week except Chinese New Year, St. Patrick’s Day and Frank Benchley’s birthday. Don’t take up our time unless you wish to give us money. If you don’t like the way we run this paper, we don’t give a damn. LETTERS TO OUR IDIOTOR No, brother Harry Crone, Rex Beach is not a summer resort. Dear Captain—I see where you answer some puzzling questions. I have one What is a gollywhopper?—PAT MIHLE. A gollywhopper, according to the Encyclopedia Bullconia, is a species of humdinger, descendant of the whangdoodle and cousin of an icthy-asurus. Dear Ed.—Why is the moon like a woman’s heart?—BILL DOLAN. Because it’s always changing and it always has a man in it. Dear Ed.—Wouldn’t we be better off without any clothes?—FAT WILSON. Yes, Fat, the farther off the better. Dear Mr. Editor—I say a bee stings many times and a hornet only once. George Prince says the opposite. Which is right? We have ten up on it.—EARL FARRIS. Answer—George stings you for the ten. My Dear Sir—I have been told I am good looking. Am I?A. H. HEYING. Answer—You have neglected to send your photo, so we must ask you if you have a lot of money.—Ed. Mr. Elk’s Head.—Why is there no marrying in heaven?—AUGUST SCHUMACHER Dear Ed.—Wouldn't we be better off without any clothes?—FAT WILSON. Yes, Fat, the farther off the better. Dear Mr. Editor—I say a bee stings many times and a hornet only once. George Prince says the opposite. Which is right? We have ten up on it.—EARL FARRIS. Answer—George stings you for the ten. My Dear Sir—I have been told I am good looking. Am I?A. H. HEYING. Answer—You have neglected to send your photo, so we must ask you if you have a lot of money.—Ed. Mr. Elk's Head.—Why is there no marrying in heaven?—AUGUST SCHUMACHER. Answer—Some inducement besides harps and golden streets must be offered. Dear Mr. Ed.—Is it proper to say "fall in love?" Anxiously, GEORGE BOYD. Answer—Fall is the word, Chas Bagnall. Dear Sir—Why do they call a cannon a "she"?—L. DEAN PIERCE. Answer—If it were not that we are married, we might be tempted to explain it is because they are always shooting off their mouths, but as we are married, we cannot answer this question.—Ed. Dear Ed.—Is it all right for me to marry, now that I earn enough to dress a wife as she wants to dress, and still have some?—ARCH FAY. Answer—No one ever earned that much.—Ed. Dear Ed.—If a lady tips her lid to me, what shall I do.—RAYMOND NEBELUNG. Answer—Tip back and act like you're used to it. Dear Editor—Will you kindly tell me what Joe Stroup's daily income is? Respectfully, ED, SCHNEIDER. Answer—Three o'clock in the morning. Dear Editor—My poor old blinky-eyed horse "Jarrabones" persists in frothing at the mouth. Kindly tell me how to relieve his intense suffering. Sincerely, LOUIS JACOBSIN. Answer—After consulting Dr. Clausson we find the only way is to teach him to split. Dear Ed.—I want to build a chicken house, but have run out of lumber. What shall I do?—CHAS, MANN. Answer—Use your head, use your head. Dear Ed.—Who wrote "Come Where My Love Lies Dreaming?"—DR. BIGHAM. Answer—Someone having absolutely no sense either of modesty or propriety. Dear Ed.—Is it all right to wear a wrist watch.—ED SCHNEIDER. Answer—It depends on whether your name is Ed or Eva. Dear Ed.—Why was the name Pacific, which means peaceful, ever given to a great, rough, unruly ocean? How did it come about?—PROF. CLAYES. Answer—How does it come about that a great, rough, unruly woman is sometimes called "Honey," or "Pettikins" by her husband? Some things, Snoopsie, will ever be mysterious. IN CLOSING We notice, with regrets, a growing tendency towards the use of slang. It is the bunk. Cut it out. The line of chin goods peddled by some ginks in this burg would frazzle you. We'll tell the world we must can this slang. Use the dope in these here columns as models. IN CLOSING We notice, with regrets, a growing tendency towards the use of slang. It is the bunk. Cut it out. The line of chin goods peddled by some ginks in this burg would frazzle you. We'll tell the world we must can this slang. Use the dope in these here columns as models. COMPLIMENTS West Coast Theatres, In OPERATING California and Fairyland Theatre NOTICE In preparing this paper we have endeavored to subtract from the merriment of the occasion as much as possible. In perusing these columns we ask you to bear in mind that they have been written in a sad vein as we never use arteries, and with every thought of injuring everybody's feelings. If your feelings have been wounded, we are profoundly profusely and publicly happy, and will accept your apology. All spits for slander will be referred to Fritz Yungblulh, the tailor. MORE THINGS THEY WANT TO KNOW Dear Ed., I am thinking of buying an automobile. What do you advise?—HERMAN NOLL. Answer—Everybody is thinking the same thing. Keep on; it's an inexpensive amusement, so long as you just think about it—Ed. MORE THINGS THEY WANT TO KNOW Joe Walters—Did that flapper get angry because I stepped on her skirt while we were boarding a street car? Tracy Mills—Just a moment now; let's get this straight. You said she was a flapper and you stepped on her skirt? Well, if you stepped that high she had a right to get rolled up. TODAY'S JOKE Bill Schummacker went into the barber shop the other day and got in the chair. The barber looked at him and said: "It seems to me that I have shaved you before, although I don't remember your face." Bill said: "No, it's all healed up again." Fred Slearns' pretty cashier had applied for a holiday. "I must recuperate," she said. "My color is fading—" "That so?" said Fred. "What makes you think so?" "The men are beginning to count their change," she replied. "Mama," said the little girl, "do fairy stories always begin 'once upon a time?'" Mrs. Homer Ames—"No, my child, some start off this way: 'On account of some extra business letters' to get off I shall have to be at the office late tonight." J. D. Lavin—"Did you hear John Bunny has joined Barnum & Bailey?" Henry Schneider—"Why, you poor fish, John Bunny is dead." J. D.—"So are Barnum and Bailey." Jas. Tuffree—"Don't you think that girl over there dresses beautifully?" Chas. Goff—"Can't say; there's a tree between our houses." OUR "BOUGH" Today this paper makes its courtesy to the great American people, likewise to any and all other people. This is some considerable bowling to undertake, but we ought to get away with it. Right at the start we wish to remark that, while some may think this funny, to us it is no joke. No, sir; this getting up a paper is about as serious a proposition as trying to touch an acquaintance for a loan, or asking the landlord to wait till next month for the rent. But this paper has a duty to be performed. From one end of the whole universe to the other—from Tia Juana, Buy-the Beer, from the coyote-howling jungles of Fullerton to the flea-in-fested sands of Placentia, it is our duty to spread the news of the Elks' show. That's our excuse for being in existence, and you'll have to admit it's a plenty good and sufficient excuse, when you see the show—which, or course, nearly everybody will. If you've never learned how to laugh, now's your chance; if you've got a lot of lines and wrinkles in your mug that you want wiped out, now's the time to do it; if you're so grouchy that a shepherd dog (the best-natured animal known, barring the Elk) could not get along with you peaceably, now is your chance to reform. Come to the Elks' big show and learn how to let out a big, hearty laugh, and you'll then see the world from a brighter angle and you will go home wondering what you'd always found to worry about. A snappy place to For Kelly-Sp 156 S. Los Angeles or 112 W. Center "Wh" THE ANSWER—The fun Home loan mortgages— the latter case, the mon measures to protect ag WE HAVE LOANED M ING purposes, these lo MENTS including inter and our earnings COMP That's Under State Supervision WES HOT. DOG (A Dramatic Sketch by Knutt Webb) He had known her for years. He had seen a good deal of her—in more ways than one. He had sat across the parlor from her; she had, of course, crossed her legs; he had seen her trim ankles, her ..... He had seen her at the seashore, wearing her tantalizing, silky bathing suit, with its short dress, with its cute little slippers; with its ..... He had seen her in her traveling suit; in her cape; in her house dress; in her ..... He had seen her at full dress affairs, and considering these dresses as they are, he had, of course, seen.... But it was not until a long, long while that he approximated the ultimatum. It was just a parlor date— one of many—which did not give promise of being any different from all the others. But one thing will lead to another! Finally, by a little slip of the arm, by a little jerk of the head, a little this and a little that, some hairpins came out; her hair hung a little loosely at the sides; and—essence of compromise!—he saw her ears! "POTTERY"—AND VIOLENT AT THAT Oscar Heying's girl is tall and slender My girl is fat and slow; Oris Mullinix's girl wears silks and satins, My girl wears calco. Oscar Heying's girl is swift and speedy, My girl's demure and good; Do you think I'd swap for O. A. Mullanix's girl? You know dam well I would. —Oscar. WILLING TO OBLIGE One day while Dr. Truxaw of Anaheim was out in the suburbs in his automobile he discovered that he needed some lubricating oil for his engine. He drove up to a farm house where a small boy was playing. "Son," he called, "run in and ask your mother if she has any lubricatig oil—or castor oil will do, if she has that." "Ma hain't got no castor oil or nothin', but she said if you would wait a few minutes she would fix you up a dose of salts." IN A RESTAURANT Dad Kennedy—What are you thinking of? Your castles in Spain? Frank Maner—No, my grounds in Java. WILLING TO OBLIGE One day while Dr. Truxaw of Anaheim was out in the suburbs in his automobile he discovered that he needed some lubricating oil for his engine. He drove up to a farm house where a small boy was playing. "Son," he called, "run in and ask your mother if she has any lubricating oil—or castor oil will do, if she has that." "Ma hain't got no castor oil or nothin', but she said if you would wait a few minutes she would fix you up a dose of salts." HIS JOB She laid her head close to my breast, Her face was wondrous fair, Her eyes gazed pleasingly in mine; My hand laid on her hair. And yet I spoke no word of love. No tender glance I gave; Though well I knew the lady fair Was thinking me a knave. At length I knew that I must speak Would I her wrath appease— And so I said: "Open the mouth A little wider, please." YEH BO! By George Dunton Take a slant at this Liz, born in 1918, and had no bad winters; good rubber on every foot. Will do 50 miles per hour, 25 forward and 25 up and down. A ramblin', rootin', tootin' scamp; a lot of extras on this fliv that Henry didn't put on; 250 bucks, cash or terms, and you can own this car that has a wheel on every corner. AT ONE FORTY-FIVE They both stood on the door step And spread a lot of salve; She said: "I've had a lovely time." He said: "I hope you have." He longed to hold her in his arms— She'd loved him for a year; But they said good night and parted Just to keep their conscience clear. —Ralph Kemp. THIS ONE IS RISKY Jack Pendleton—"Don't you think that girl over there dresses beautifully?" Geo. Varner—"Can't say; there's a tree between our houses." WE'RE SOME CUT UP'S and our business is cutting and selling the best of meats. You will be pleased with our Fat, Tender Poultry. STROUP'S MARKET 115 N. Los Angeles St. and 1119 Lincoln Ave. Phone 300 Phone 41 "Hello Bill"'--- Eating our delicious ice cream and confections is like making love to a Grass Widow.—It can't be overdone. Fairyland Inn 134 West Center St., Anaheim Phone 64 P. S.—Dog-gone it, we forgot to mention our wonderful MERCHANTS' LUNCH. SERVED EVERY DAY. A snappy place to trade, Bill, a real place for service, try— Anaheim Vulcanizing Works For Kelly-Springfield, Brunswick, United States Tires and Tubes. Bill, our Vulcanizing is of the best A snappy place to trade, Bill, a real place for service, try— Anaheim Vulcanizing Works For Kelly-Springfield, Brunswick, United States Tires and Tubes. Bill, our Vulcanizing is of the best Two-Year Guarantee Philadelphia Battery 156 S. Los Angeles St. Phone 259 If you are Full of Whiskers or just want to hear snappy stories, drop in the Anaheim Barber Shop RUSSELL & ANDERSON 112 W. Center Anaheim IT'S OFT ASKED “What do you do with all the money you get?” THE ANSWER—The funds of the Western Loan and Building Company are placed primarily in Home loan mortgages—first mortgages, either on homes already built or under construction. In the latter case, the money is advanced as construction work progresses, the Company taking proper measures to protect against liens. There is no better security. WE HAVE LOANED MILLIONS of dollars to thousands of people in the West for HOME OWNING purposes, these loans being paid off in suitable and REASONABLE MONTHLY INSTALLMENTS including interest and principal. OUR SECURITY INCREASES constantly, therefore, and our earnings COMPOUND MONTHLY. That’s How We Earn 6 Per Cent to 9 Per Cent compounded semi-annually. Start today and share in our profits. Under State Supervision State Deposit $300,000 WESTERN LOAN AND BUILDING COMPANY BEEBE & HARRISON That's How We Earn 6 Per Cent to 9 Per Cent compounded semi-annually. Start today and share in our profits. Under State Supervision State Deposit $200,000 WESTERN LOAN AND BUILDING COMPANY BEEBE & HARRISON Oh! Bill! Don't Kill Your Wife! LET US DO THE DIRTY WORK Anaheim Laundry Co. Phone 18 “Sent It to the Laundry” If It's From Witman's It's Good Leading Jeweler and Optician